Blue for feeling sad.
Been a long time since last blog-in.  Because...
too sad to tell but may be able to write it one day. 
 
Give it a go sadblogger....ok
 
Was pregnant, mixed emotions as was due for surgery, so did not really feel positive about it. Took a week of suspecting before Avril forced me to get a kit and do the blue line test.   Then changed mind and became very excited to think next February 4 or 5 there would be a new tiny squirming creature to take care of.  Morning sickness hit all day long with a vengeance  and DH was very attentive and also excited.  Saw the doctor who thought I was taking risk what with age and high blood pressure...but booked me in for clinic and reckoned my surgery would still go ahead.  Told lots of people...ah the magic and curse of e mail.  Collected my pregnancy kit from Tesco, read the Bounty book cover to cover, joined a mums over 40 web group and one for expecting in Feb 2005. 
 
I didn't tell anyone at work because I have no contract and was afraid they would employ someone else and kick me out especially as I have been feeling inadequate in my work. 
 
Researched taekwondo in pregnancy and told Master ...  he reckoned safe but not to jump or to spar.  I enjoy jumping but care little for sparring so that suited me.  However, certain parents were disapproving, and told me i was foolish to carry on when it could harm the baby.  I asked on a few martial arts boards where there are plenty of women who continue until they get too large to be comfortable.
 
So I went in for my surgery one  Friday in June but was told Dirk doesn't operate on pregnant women.  I was concerned because I do not really know how vital the surgery is.  I asked to have a pregnancy test there since i wanted to be sure...I had some spotting the day before and you never know.  It was still positive but as I bled some more I was sent for an internal scan which showed implanted egg but they couldn't find a baby.  By my calculation I  was 7 weeks but they said size was consistent with baby of 5 weeks.  By then I was worrying I was going to lose the baby.  I had gone from not really wanting it to desperately wanting this baby.  Over the weekend the spotting continued and then on through Monday and Tuesday.  I went to the hospital again with pains and was told it could be a miscarriage but that some women could have these symptoms all pregnancy.  I did another test and it was still positive and I still felt sick.  How the body can deceive...  In my mind i knew and in my heart too, that this little dream was over.
 
 GP thought I could have a blighted ovum and that I could take 2 weeks to miscarry it all.  Weds and Thursday the pains were increasing and so i rang NHS direct who gave very good advice.  Thurs I came home from work in agony and that's when the baby came out. Early Friday morning the placenta came out very painfully, almost like labour.  Friday at 9 I was back at the hospital for a scan and friend J was so kind she came with me.  Scan showed a complete miscarriage which I had realised on Thursday anyway. J cried more than I did, she'd been through it herself, I had done all my crying throughout the week and was left feeling empty. 
 
So now what?  I would like another but my GP has advised against it...too risky she says.  The boys were looking forward to it too.  Should have had another right after Francis.
 
Then there was the pain of contacting everyone and letting them know I wasn't having a baby after all.  I expect many of them think I am foolish.  Woman at her age...what was she thinking?  Nothing...